bear

I opened the door of my old room, and a familiar smell just hit my senses.

The mixture of colours; galaxy blue, brown like teak wood and cream, gave me a sense of belonging, it made me feel like I am at home. Slowly, I let go of my grip on my bag and just embrace the fact that I am finally home after 9 long months full of agony and happiness at the same time.

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Happy birthday, 48

Dear best friend,

Happy 17th Birthday.

Here’s to the 17th year of your existence which makes the world a better place.

The way you channel your wiseness, your intelligence, and your kindness makes this planet a better place to live in.

It’s very reassuring you know, to have someone like you, living among us.

I hope you’re happy.

I hope you will feel eternal happiness.

Thank you for having my back all the time and for your patience in dealing with my tantrums.

You inspire people to work towards their goals.

You inspire me to know my ground and stay humble all the time.

You matter to me.

You. Matter.

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⌲ leaving

I know I have done this a million times but I feel like I need some time to myself. To sort out myself because I am a mess right now. With Twitter, I get distracted a lot so best believe that deactivating both accounts is the best choice. Nothing is certain as of now, I’m still not sure whether I am making a comeback to YouTube or not and Twitter. Honestly, I’m not feeling like it. So yeah! Have a great day x

⌲ fboy

I went on Twitter and saw this tweet…

And I feel like I have something to say about this. I would like to apologise though if this blog post, after you have read it obviously, offended you but hey, gotta get my thoughts out of my head or else, I won’t be able to get First Past The Post and all of the Politics stuff into my head.

I had a very close friend (keyword: had), who had the same issue (keyword:had). Got his heart broken many times by the same girl, over and over again. Again, Liessa was being loquacious and annoyingly friendly, she had her nose stuck in his business and somehow got involved with this whole cheering him up cycle and this whole thing went on and on for about a year.

When he got over this girl, he was adored by many and just yknow, straight up labelled as a fboy. He just associated himself with loads of girls and  obliviously broke their hearts (including mine but that’s another long story with a hella amount of plot twists). I feel like he was going down the self-destructive pathway as I was in 2014. Again, having a natural instinct of being a nosy person, I just became so disappointed in him, I became angry at him because he’s better than that. He’s better than just talking to a dozen girls and leaving them after that. That’s what I felt. Long story short, that’s one of the reasons why I decided to leave at the first place without knowing what this whole going to the UK was all about. I wanted to leave because if someone I care so deeply about destructs himself/herself and I couldn’t stop them, it seems like this girl here is just a good-for-nothing type of friend you get me? I left so that I won’t feel disappointed in myself because I couldn’t “save” this friend of mine. I left to escape my feelings and emotions. Thank God, MinDef is amazing, (speaking of MinDef, congratulations to the new scholars!) or else, I would regret my decision for my whole lifetime. Alhamdulillah, I love it here in the UK though.

As for the tweet, I feel like it is too simplified. I have been hurt by many different people of different affection levels throughout my whole life and I now talk according to my own experience. When you are hurt by someone, yes you will have a period of instability, it is inevitable really, then you will go on towards a period of emptiness and you will start to become egotistical. To stay stagnant in that period of emptiness, that is self-destruction. You care about yourself, you care about your own heart amends and you do not have any decency or courtesy to think about the ones who supply your heart amends. Self-construction is when you bring yourself back up after a series of instability period, pain and just, a plain downside of life. When you get hurt, you have to choose, to make your life out of it and go down the self-construction path or the former, which is self-destructing (a.k.a being a fboy). In the tweet itself, it seems like the fboy is avenging for this ball of pain he has to other girls (a.k.a me once upon a time) and just remember, did Julie treat you like Sarah did? Did she raise your hopes to the sky and crush it down like airplanes falling down from the sky? If you’re treating Julie because of what Sarah did, then you are no better than Sarah who broke your heart…

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⌲ what kind of friend are you?

I decided to take a break from protein structure by blogging.

I have many experiences with friendships and befriending someone. Generally, as a friendly, loquacious girl, I tend to socialise and make friends easily. As time flies, I grew up and I started keeping my circle smaller.

Honestly, I am blessed with good friends. My best friends are amazing. My close friends are extraordinary. I couldn’t ask for more. They may not be there since day 1 but they have been there through my ups and downs and that’s all that matters. These people are the ones I can have private dinner at home with and pray together. These people are the ones I can be proud of and talk about to my mother.

I’m just…emotional right now.

Despite being so friendly and have an ability to befriend anyone, I have trust issues and I just couldn’t find a place to fit in until I met these amazing people. People left me when I was broken because it is in human’s nature to leave broken and torn up things. I can be a psycho or just an emotional wreck and people would probably be like “oh she needs time alone.”

like no. I don’t.

On the side note, another person just left me and thank you so much. Once I’m home, please for heaven’s sake. Don’t you even dare to question about my well-being when you vanished into the thin air while the real question here is, “where the f- were you for the past f- months?”. People need to realise that once you leave, you are out of my life. This person did not even have the tendency to treat me like a decent friend and did not appreciate me. I chose to stay because I have a very deep feeling for this friendship but hey, that one left me, I ain’t going to linger around no more right? I thought I would be appreciated as a friend because that’s what you claimed when I asked what are we BUT you’re more talk than action. Hm, I have a smaller circle of friends now. I wish you the greatest happiness and joy. I forgive you for treating me like crap and I apologise for venting it out on my blog but I hope I won’t have to talk to you ever again.