I opened the door of my old room, and a familiar smell just hit my senses.
The mixture of colours; galaxy blue, brown like teak wood and cream, gave me a sense of belonging, it made me feel like I am at home. Slowly, I let go of my grip on my bag and just embrace the fact that I am finally home after 9 long months full of agony and happiness at the same time.
I found a USB stick in one of my drawers, which I knew, contains the memories, pictures, audio messages, chats and everything else that I stored in my old phone. As I was feeling the need to reminisce, I took the time to sit down, plug the USB stick into my laptop and scroll trough the files.
The first thing I searched for?
You see, if you knew me since God knows when, you’d know this person, Bear. It is a code name made especially for this person. This person, let’s say, had importance within my life and after a specific amount of time where we drifted apart. I have to say his presence and his absence had a major effect on me. I was growing up, I was still attached to the idea of being well-known through social media and I was indeed very insecure of myself. I constantly needed the reassurance from my loved ones.
It is safe to say that the things that I felt are real. This person showered me with kindness, love, care and just plain nice to me but I feel so stupid now because when I read the things that I have said to him, it felt so not genuine or at least not up to his level.
Maybe he felt unappreciated, maybe he felt weird about the fact that I constantly needed the reassurance but when he left, I had 1001 regrets. To reconcile and be as close as we were before, both parties fully understood that the ties were too far to be picked up and nobody wants to take a few step back and pick it up again. Both of us moved on already so we just left the things that we had behind.
It is sad,
he is now in university and being happy with his life.
I’m abroad and happy with my life.
But you know, what would happened IF he stayed throughout the years and watched me grow into who I am today?
You and me, both, will never know.
Let’s stop dwelling in the past.